Romance Scams: Why Can’t We Trust the Words Behind the Sweetest Lies?

Chris Leeds was a gentle soul whose sons “loved him to the moon and back.” But one late fall day, he was found dead, his future shattered by empty promises. An interview with his friend Gareth Evans revealed that Chris had sent money to at least two women who vowed to marry him. His tragic end left a community devastated. How could something as innocent as love turn into tragedy? And how could Chris have been misled, not once but twice? 

Today, we explore romance scams and answer the most-asked questions about them, answers that could protect you and your loved ones. But first, we’ll talk about the game being played. 

Is it love bombing or genuine attraction? 

If someone showers you with gifts, extravagant praise, and promises of a dazzling future, is it friendly flirting or something else?  

Before going deeper, consider that real connection isn’t dependent on grand gestures. 

Now, let’s move the spotlight to two important questions everyone should ask. First, what does friendly flirting really look like? And second, how do you know you’re being love bombed and why is it risky? 

What is friendly flirting? 

Friendly flirting is the sweet, satisfying dance that happens when two people engage playfully, reveling in their chemistry. It feels comfortable, fun, and natural.  

You laugh easily in each other’s company, compliments feel genuine, and there’s plenty of good-natured teasing.  

But here’s the cold, hard truth. A romance scammer flirts with only one purpose in mind: to win your trust and exploit it for gain. While genuine flirting builds attraction and true connection, excessive attention is a red flag. 

Am I being love bombed? 

If history is any indication, romantic obsession is often a recipe for heartbreak. 

Franz Kafka was 37 when he began pursuing 23-year-old Milena Jesenska in 1920. He wrote her several times a day, his letters suffused with longing and fevered love language. However, their affair lasted less than a year. Some might accuse Kafka of love bombing but what exactly does that mean? 

In the modern sense of the word, love bombing is said to be marked by dramatic gestures and declarations delivered at breakneck speed. 

These signs, taken together, signal a need for caution: 

• Professions of love early in the relationship (“You’re my soulmate,” “You’re perfect; I can’t stop thinking about you,” “I’ve been looking for you all my life”) 

• Immediate plans for a shared future, while ignoring your input on the subject (“Let’s get married now”) 

• Attempts to monopolize your presence (“I can’t be without you”) 

• Constant “checking in” with texts and calls 

• A multitude of over-the-top, lavish gifts and extravagant outings 

• Uncontrolled outbursts of jealousy and anger when you spend time with others 

In the 1970s, therapists coined the term “love bombing” to describe the tactics used by cults to recruit new members.  

Today, terms like “love bombing narcissist” and “gaslighting” are rife on platforms like Tik Tok: Hashtags #lovebombing and #lovebomb have 329 million and 133 million views, respectively. It’s clear that love bombing has hit a collective nerve. 

So, how can you know if an online relationship is real? The secret is to be open but alert; hopeful, yet grounded. If any of these emotions describe your current experience, it’s time to step back and evaluate: 

• Feeling smothered or overwhelmed 

• Becoming overly dependent on your partner emotionally 

• Feeling increasingly isolated from friends and family 

• Feeling pressured to make decisions 

• Alternating between feelings of self-doubt and exhilaration 

Remember: Respectful partners listen and adjust. Manipulative ones guilt-trip or dismiss your feelings.  

So, does this mean online relationships should be avoided? On the contrary, research suggests that social connection is key to mental and physical resilience. 

For example, heart failure patients reporting higher levels of loneliness experience more hospitalizations (68%) and emergency room visits (57%). 

Meanwhile, a meta‑analysis covering more than 300,000 people found that having strong social connections increased one’s chance of survival by 50 % over a 7.5-year period. 

So, how do you cut through the noise when it comes to online relationships? Should you step back if a new beau is in the habit of buying you gifts or saying “I love you” several times a day? 

Here are some practical ways to tell if your relationship is on the right track: 

• Presence and consistency: Real connections show up with steady, meaningful communication that makes you feel heard. 

• Mutual vulnerability: Authentic relationships allow you to share fears, dreams, and flaws without judgment, creating emotional safety. 

• Boundaries and respect: Healthy relationships honor your boundaries and don’t push for more intimacy earlier than you’re comfortable with. 

• Reality checks: Safe face-to-face meetings and video calls add layers of trust and solidifies the connection beyond texts and phone calls. 

• Effort and reciprocity: Both parties contribute consistently. There are no awkward, one-sided monologues or attempts to monopolize the conversation by either party. 

• Photo exchanges: Exchanging photos is a powerful form of validation. A field study of more than 70,000 people found that those who had access to ephemeral photo sharing (photos that disappear after being viewed), shared 50% more photos. And that’s not all: Over 60% of the photos showed their faces prominently - and it earned them 3% more matches. Ultimately, sharing photos anchors a relationship in reality, so be wary of someone who resists this.   

As mentioned, it isn’t how often someone says “I love you” or buys you gifts that should be cause for concern. It’s what’s missing beneath the surface, like genuine respect, empathy, and thoughtful consideration. 

Will a romance scammer video call you? 

The answer is: Not likely. 

Romance scammers know a video call will expose their real identities, especially if they’re impersonating someone else. 

Also, video calls can be recorded or traced, which is why scammers prefer low-risk communications like text or voice calls. 

It’s important to know, however, that while video calls once represented the gold standard of trust, the game has changed. Let’s unpack the new reality below: 

• The stolen video trick: Here, the scammer swipes real videos from the internet. At first, the video may seem interactive but when you ask them to do something spontaneous, their act falls apart. Their face may morph unnaturally when they move, or the feed appears to be recycling the same footage. 

• AI deepfake live calls: Using deepfake software, the scammer can create a doctored video of the perfect romantic persona. When the quality seems “off,” the scammer will usually blame a “bad connection” or “camera issues.” 

Here are three real-world examples illustrating the perils of deepfake video calls: 

1. Facebook video call scam: Scammers hijacked a man’s Facebook account after he answered a genuine video call from a friend in trouble. The scammers recorded the call and then used the video to send messages to all his contacts, begging for money.
   
   
2. Senate deepfake scam: In September 2024, Senator Ben Cardin (Chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee) received a deepfake video call from someone posing as former Ukrainian Foreign Minister Dmytro Kuleba.  During the call, the scammer tried to bait the senator into making politically charged statements. Fortunately, the senator grew suspicious after noticing that “Kuleba’s” speech and mannerisms were inconsistent with that of previous interactions. Cardin wisely hung up, and no damage was done. 
   
   
3. Sextortion video scam: When 24-year-old Ankit Kumar matched with a woman named Nandini, he believed that things were off to a great start. However, during a video call, Nandini appeared naked on screen. Unbeknownst to Kumar, the call was being recorded.  Just moments after the call, the scammer demanded about US $400 not to expose the video. Kumar complied, but the scammer demanded even more money. This time, he reported the crime to law enforcement and eventually two men were arrested for the sextortion scam. 

Today, seeing isn’t always believing. To protect yourself, be sure to verify identities through multiple trusted channels. And most importantly, never send money under pressure from video call contacts, even if they seem real.  

Why would a scammer want to send me money? 

This is actually a sneaky trick designed to trap you. Often, scammers will send their victims money to lure them into laundering their dirty cash. This is what’s known as a money mule or money transfer scam. 

Here, the scammer deposits stolen funds into your account and asks you to transfer part of it to another account. In this way, the money’s true source is obscured. 

Meanwhile, you become an unknowing accomplice, helping the scammer launder or “clean” their illegal proceeds by distancing themselves from the theft. Be aware that you can get into deep legal trouble for helping someone move stolen money. 

So, never cash a check or accept a money transfer from a potential or new love interest, no matter how plausible their story sounds. 

How long do romance scams usually last? 

Romance scams may last several weeks to months (or in rare cases, years). The longer the victim believes in the fantasy, the more money and secrets can be extracted. It’s a slow poison masked as a fairytale romance. 

According to a survey, love bombing itself lasts an average of three (3) months. 

And it tends to occur over three (3) phases: 

1. Idealization phase: This is where your new flame showers you with lavish praise, opulent gifts, and too-good-to-be-true promises. They paint a picture of a perfect future and fawn over you. The purpose is to get you to lower your defenses. 
   
   
2. Devaluation phase: Once you’ve let your guard down, your new love shifts to controlling your actions. Suddenly, demands arise and tension escalates. Verbal and physical violence is common during this phase. You feel confused and doubt your own perceptions, as they gaslight you into overlooking their offensive behavior. 
   
   
3. Discard phase: Finally, the curtain falls. When you try to set healthy boundaries, they may vanish or abruptly end the relationship. Sometimes, the narcissist love bomber may engage in “hoovering,” which attempts to reel you back in with more love bombing or promises of change. This high-stakes game of emotional manipulation can leave lasting scars and even result in tragedy, as in Chris Leed’s case. 

According to a 2017 study of 484 college students, love bombing is strongly associated with: 

• Low self-esteem: People who struggle with feelings of unworthiness are more vulnerable to love bombing because it fills an emotional void. 

• Insecure attachment styles: Their overwhelming need for validation and closeness leads them to overlook red flags. 

• High media/text usage: If they rely heavily on digital communications, they are prone to being swept up in intense, fast-paced romantic exchanges. 

In short, narcissists are more likely to love bomb as a power move, while those with anxious attachment styles are more likely to fall victim to it. 

Is romance scamming illegal? 

The answer is yes.  

Depending on the scale and methods used, offenders can face serious consequences. For example, if they use a fake identity and false romantic interest to steal from you, they can face charges of wire fraud and identity theft, which come with fines and prison time. 

Unfortunately, many scammers operate from countries where enforcement is weak or non-existent, making prosecution a challenge. Since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, for instance, romance scammers skilled in social engineering have been exploiting the compassion people feel for Ukrainians. 

These scammers have invented stories of hardship to lure victims into sending money for passports, visas, plane tickets, medical bills, and living expenses. 

Meanwhile, the international nature of the scam complicates legal outcomes, which means limited justice for victims. 

In Chris Leed’s case, despair led him to take his own life.  

So, it isn’t enough to know that romance scamming is illegal. Recognizing how scammers work is critical to your safety. Let’s start with the classic military romance scammer, where things can get tricky. 

How can you tell if someone is a military scammer? 

Think about the military, and what comes to mind? Do visions of honor and selfless service appear? Do you see men and women dedicated to protecting your country with integrity and courage? 

Unfortunately, scammers prey on that to exploit your trust and manipulate your emotions. These scammers are called army romance scammers, who impersonate service members to leverage a relationship with you for personal or financial gain. 

Here are some of the lies a military romance scammer may tell you: 

• The “deployed overseas” and “extended deployment” lies: The scammer pretends to be an American soldier deployed to a combat zone and uses it as an excuse to avoid face-to-face meetings or video chats with you. They may also claim that their deployment will last years. In reality, official deployments are between 6-12 months long. 

• The “video chat” lie: The scammer claims that elite troop rules or security restrictions prevent them from getting on video calls. 

• The “travel funding problem” lie: They also insist that they must pay out of pocket for taking leave and beg you to help. In reality, the military covers travel costs for Rest and Recuperation (R&R) leave from the deployment location to a designated U.S. gateway airport. That said, the soldier is responsible for any ground transportation from the gateway airport to their final leave destination. 

• The “fake military ID lie: The scammer shares doctored images of military ID badges or documents as proof of their identity. However, real military personnel avoid sharing such sensitive ID images online. 

• The “medical emergency” lie: The scammer may share a sad story about a child suffering from a terminal illness and ask you for money. Beware: Requests for financial help are a red flag, as all military personnel have access to world-class medical insurance for themselves and their children. 

• The “appreciation gift” lie: They may mention that they’re giving you a gift (something extravagant like a luxury car or fine jewelry) as a token of appreciation for your support during their deployment. But they’ll ask you to pay “shipping” or “customs” fees before you can take delivery of the gift. 

• The “found money” lie: A favorite tactic of military scammers is to claim that they found hidden cash during a top-secret operation. And now, they need your help to “move” the money into a U.S. account. They’ll promise you a cut and ask for your banking info to make the transfer. Don’t give it to them: Soldiers aren’t allowed to keep any cash or property found during missions.  

For example, U.S. soldiers discovered nearly $656 million during a raid of one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces in April 2003. The money was turned over to military authorities. However, four soldiers were later arrested; three for taking $600,000 (£380,000) in $100 bills and hiding them in a tree, and the fourth for stashing $300,000 in several places. Remember: Don’t believe any “soldier” telling you they can share “found money” with you. It’s a scam. 

 

The above lies are designed to keep you trapped, with only one goal in mind: to drain your wallet under the guise of love and duty to country. Recognizing these well-rehearsed lies is the first step towards protecting yourself.  

 

This brings us to an important consideration. Many consumer forums suggest verifying a soldier’s identity by asking questions such as the ones below: 

• What is your rank and military branch? This is basic information many believe a soldier should be able to provide. But if you aren’t familiar with military jargon, the scammer can invent titles, use a fake or synthetic identity, and still sound legitimate. 

• What is your Military Occupational Specialty (MOS)? This identifies a soldier’s unique role. Be aware that the term “MOS” is specific to the Army and Marine Corps. The correct term for the Air Force is “AFSC” (Air Force Specialty Code), while the Navy uses “Rates.” Scammers hope you can’t tell the difference. 

• Where is your current duty station? Generally, they should be able to tell you the base or current duty location without revealing sensitive operations info. However, this information doesn’t prove their identity. 

• Have you ever been deployed? It’s important to know that overseas deployments aren’t universal. As of 2025, there are 2.6 million U.S. military personnel stationed domestically and just over 243,048 military and civilian personnel in foreign countries. So, someone who tells you they’re on a long-term “classified mission” isn’t leveling with you. 

But what about military email addresses? Shouldn’t a soldier be able to provide that upon request? The answer is yes, but it's important to know that .mil addresses are meant for official business, not social communications.  

So, if a soldier is reluctant to share their .mil address, this isn’t necessarily a red flag.  

BUT if they’re avoiding video calls, love bombing you, asking for money, and refusing to share their personal email address, be wary. You may have a scammer on your hands. 

When will a scammer leave you alone? 

Spoiler alert: Probably not until you stop giving them the attention they seek. 

These predators thrive on control and manipulation. The quickest way out is to cut all ties immediately. But that brings up another critical question: How do you stop these scammers? Here’s where reporting comes in. 

How do I report a military scammer? 

You report them to the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), the FTC, or the U.S. Army's Criminal Investigation Command (CID). If you’ve recently sent money to the scammer, contact your bank to see if they can stop the transaction. 

And when it comes to another form of romance scam called catfishing, bringing the police into the fight is critical, especially if you’re facing harassment, stalking, or threats to your life. 

Can you report a catfish to the police? 

Absolutely. Catfishing crosses legal lines when it involves fraud, identity theft, or physical harm. If you’ve lost money and/or believe your life is in danger, here’s how to report a catfish: 

• Many social media platforms provide options for reporting impersonators. This includes platforms like Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram, and X. 

• If you’ve lost money, gather any information you have, such as credit card statements, call history, and emails. Then, contact the fraud division of your local police department to file a report. The police may direct you to a state consumer protection office for scams related to banking, insurance, and investments. 

• If you’ve being stalked, call 911 immediately and then file a restraining order. You’ll have to go to your local or district courthouse to fill out the forms for a protective order, which a judge will review. 

Taking steps to report a catfisher is critical, but what happens when a loved one is the target? 

Convincing a loved one they’re caught in a scam can be a delicate dance. So, how do you open their eyes without pushing them away?  

How to convince someone they are being romance scammed  

Watching someone you care about being pulled into a web of deceit is a difficult experience. 

You see the red flags – the outlandish stories, empty promises, and frequent requests for money – but they don’t. When you try to warn them, you get fierce push back. 

The path forward demands clarity, compassion, and patience. 

First, use a reverse image search tool like TinEye or FaceCheck.ID to see if the scammer’s photo has appeared elsewhere on the internet. 

TinEye is great for a quick, free search, but be aware that it can only perform exact matches. Meanwhile, FaceCheck ID requires a paid subscription but is known to be exceptionally accurate.  

Each tool has unique strengths and limitations, so be sure to research the differences to help you make an informed choice.  

If you find any matches that help back up your concerns, gently broach it with your loved one. 

You may also consider sharing printouts of news stories and victim testimonials as cautionary examples.  

It’s important to note, however, that your loved one may ignore any evidence you’ve gathered. In fact, they may even accuse you of jealousy, because the scammer has created a powerful illusion of love that’s difficult to break through.   

Remember Chris Leeds? He was misled not once, but twice, proving that the desire for connection is a powerful force and can sometimes lead to choices one wouldn’t otherwise make. So, what can you do? 

Here are four (4) considerations as you contemplate the way forward: 

• Listen first and acknowledge their feelings without judgment. 

• Offer empathy but say no if they ask for a loan to assist the scammer. 

• Speak calmly and avoid arguing when your loved one extols the scammer’s virtues. It will be difficult, but maintaining your composure preserves trust and keeps the lines of communication open. 

• Stay patient and hold space for anger, grief, even disbelief as your loved one processes the truth. 

Sometimes, the strongest move you can make is to step back, giving your loved one space to process their experience at their own pace, rather than pushing them to confront harsh realities before they’re ready.  

In short, remaining supportive while setting clear boundaries preserves your wellbeing, so you can continue to be a safe harbor for your loved one.  

Related articles

• What Is Catfishing, and How to Protect Yourself
• How to Prevent Identity Theft
• Types of Identity Theft

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